the greatest challenge

Today I was feeling much better and decided to try a short run this afternoon for the first time in a week (as I've been saying: maybe I'm not 100% well, but at this point I'm 100% stir crazy!).  I was very nervous about how it would go.  I feel so out of my rhythm!  Not only did I have to sit out on our long run last weekend, but I haven't even run a single short run in exactly seven days.  

Until today.

I have to be honest (a goal for this blog): It wasn't the wonderful, reassuring run that I had hoped for, one that felt great after some time to rest.  In fact, I felt somewhat stiff after a week off and kind of tired/tight in my chest from this cold (or whatEVER it has been!).  Any slight feelings left of being sick were almost amplified, oddly...  

I am putting on my armor in the fight against discouragement.

Maybe a mile and a half was too soon to tell.  Sometimes on long runs, it takes getting past mile three to quit hating it, to work out any initial discomfort, and to really hit your stride.  I've just had all these crazy fears about what taking a week off—plus being sick—is going to do to my endurance.  It may not sound all that bad or very long... but to me it has felt like an eternity!  Obviously I would have tapered back this last week before the race anyway... but not doing anything at ALL (AND being sick) certainly throws darts of doubts into my confidence.  


With ultimate faith placed in God's hands, I have also very much "trusted my training" over the past few months... and have said so several times when I didn't know how in the world I would run another mile farther in our next long run: I just have to trust my training.  Now that my training has been somewhat "taken away," or at least extremely stifled, my trust has to be taken to an all-new level.  IF it's true that what I have done thus far is enough to carry me through, IF it's true that not running at all for a week and being sick on top of that isn't going to alter my endurance whatsoever, then the greatest danger I face after this past week's events is the shaking of my confidence.  And (assuming I am well on Sunday) if it's true that it's not whether you can physically run 13.1 miles but whether or not your MIND can... then my greatest challenge is not the road ahead but myself.  

And so it comes full circle.

The past three months have been an incredible journey.  It's amazing to think that a few weeks before Christmas, a half marathon wasn't even a blip on my radar of dreams.  And yet, now, here we are.  In the beginning, I never dared to even consider myself a "runner."  Somewhere along the way it had to click within me that this was truly possible.  And then chip away one day at a time.  And as much as I have grown to love the running itself (believe it or not), it is actually not at ALL about the running itself...  

I truly believe that every person needs to be challenged in order to be stretched—in order for growth to take place.  There is something about setting a goal (one that is quite worthy when you look at it yet quite doable when you actually put your mind to it), and then working very hard, very deliberately, and very consistently to reach it.  No taking the easy way out or any short cuts—a goal where reaching the end isn't even possible doing those things.  This can be running a marathon or whatever it is in your own life.  Catching a vision for it, gaining the belief in yourself to do it, and then setting your sights on accomplishing it becomes your daily drive.  The Bible says that "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21).  Our "treasure" may not have to be monetary; perhaps where we make any true investment (of our time, our efforts, our passion), there our hearts will follow.  It's going to include struggle, uncertainty, and resistance.  But there is something in the spirit of a human being that refuses to be crushed without a fight.  There is something in the heart of an American that believes you can do anything you set your mind to and work hard enough for.  And yet there is something else in the soul of every believer that knows the whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is..... well..... baloney. :)

At some point in life, we have to challenged in order to also see God for who He really is—and our utter dependence on Him.  He is not just the motivation and inspiration behind what we do or just the one for whom we strive.  He is the actual source behind our strength.  His power is made perfect in our weakness, and His sovereignty far outweighs the limited scope of our human eyes.  His work in us and His transformative shaping of our hearts becomes a moment-by-moment purpose.  The process then far outweighs what we perceive to be the goal.  Not to diminish or devalue the marathon itself—it is definitely a worthy and impressive achievement in its own right.  But who am I to say, even in training for a marathon, that the marathon itself is the true end goal...?

It makes me wonder if what we perceive as the goal is EVER really the goal.  You study hard in school for six years, earning two degrees... and then graduate to find no jobs hirings in your field.  You arrange your life in such a way as to have the perfect family and then sit and wait for your husband... who has yet to show up.  Or find out that you can't have children.  What then?  And then, and then?  Not at ALL to say that setting goals isn't worth it or that we shouldn't try to attain them.  The marathon has been HUGE for me in this way.  But we have to also look at what God is showing us and teaching us in the moment.  In every moment, even before we "get there."  In what ways is He shaping you for His purpose?  Right now?  What might He be telling you or giving you the opportunity to do otherwise?  We have to look beyond what's right in front of our faces and expand our gaze into His perspective...

Not so easy to do, believe me.  (That's why it's the greatest challenge.)

I know so many people along the way who, whether it was early on or as recent as yesterday, have had to drop out of the race because of health issues.  In fact, I know at LEAST one person with problems in EACH one of the following areas from running: 

knee caps, 

IT bands, 

toenails, 

ankles, 

feet.  

All who began training and now cannot run on Sunday.  I cannot sit here and believe that all of this has been in vain for them.  And so the same has to be true for me.  Even as one who is cleared to run this thing, if I fall out on the floor with the flu on the morning of the race, does that mean it has all been for nothing?  It just can't.

After today I have loosely decided I should probably forgo any kind of time goal and stick to my original race goal: to finish, without stopping or walking.  I must have started getting too cocky with all that "time talk" before this past week.  OK, Lord... I hear ya. ;)  I have no clue what I will feel like come Sunday (hopefully better!) or what the run will be like, but I have to know that my success has been in the journey thus far.  In allowing God to show me new areas in which to trust Him.  In which to teach me more about Him and, in the process, a little about myself, too...

Maybe John Bingham said it best:

"The miracle isn't that I finished.  The miracle is that I had the courage to start."